Life is the hardest thing one can endure. I would love to make friends with the people who find life to be good. I really want to know where I am going wrong. One step forwards is met with fifty steps back. Like the Universe has been specifically asked to make my life miserable. And I am just wondering how long I am going to last.
Stay positive. Breathe. Have faith. I am trying. Works for a few seconds like the last few drops of water that were left in the pipes before the tap goes completely dry. It works for a few glorious seconds but I am always pushed back down to this point. This dark spot that is filled with nothing but misery, anger and despair.
I am not seeing any need to continue trying because I already have the script memorized and I know how it ends. Does God have favorites? Are my sins that bad? Saul killed people. David too. Abraham lied and doubted. Or do I have to be a Job to prove my worth? But then I stand no chance. I do not have such strong a will inside me, and you should just get rid of me right now.
Is the work of my mind not valuable enough? Do I have to work with my hands for my efforts to be noticed? Is there a sin that is specifically responsible for my bad luck or am I just impatient. At least tell me how long I have to wait so that I can get sleep today. This one time. Help me put my mind to rest. Tell me where I am going wrong.
I need a break. I need to breathe again. Or I need to die and get away. Whichever one pleases you. Just not this stangation. Not this open mockery of my life. Not this lack of something to live for. Just pull out the plug and let me go to sleep endlessly. Or turn your face towards me and have some mercy. Just a little bit. Something to get me out of this pit. Allow my seed to grow just one leaf. Let me feel the sunshine on my skin.
Maybe I am not worth it. And I understand. I just don’t know what to do. I guess I am going to try. I am not going to fight or ask or hope or think. I am not going to do anything. Let whatever happens happen. If my frustrations make someone somewhere happy then I hope you have a marvelous show.