Have you ever noticed a flickering light? Whether on the street or in your house? Have you ever seen how that wee little thing fights for its life? The way it won’t stop until it gets what it wants? And even if you switch it off, when you turn it back on, it will still keep flickering. Like a person who does not know how to swim but suddenly finds themselves in the middle of the sea. And they know it is ‘swim or die.’ So they start frantically beating the water. Up and down their hands and legs go. Hoping, praying, trying to stay alive. So the flickering light does. There are only two results. Flicker flicker till it lights again or flicker flicker until it finally does. Either way, the flickering light rests knowing it gave its best.




Do not feel bad for not being able to let go, for fighting for someone that nolonger acknowledges your existence. I get you. When you love someone, it does not go away overnight. Take your time, All the time you need. Begin with the small changes. Like removing their number from your phone even if you have it crammed. Like finding a new favorite cafe. Like getting a pet or plant or person to take care of and transfer all the mounds of love that you do not know what to with. Like sleeping earlier than the hour they would usually call in. Like deleting the messages before removing their stuff from your house. Like maybe removing that promise bracelet. And slowly, slowly you get used to the fact that they are nolonger there. Slowly you get back to your self sufficient mode. Slowly you get used to sleeping alone in your bed and going through a week without breaking down in the shower. Slowly their scent becomes just another smell your nose registers. Slowly you become okay. But you have to realize it takes time. Sometimes years. Just be gentle with yourself. Until they nolonger control the strings to your life.

Some sort of prayer

Life is the hardest thing one can endure. I would love to make friends with the people who find life to be good. I really want to know where I am going wrong. One step forwards is met with fifty steps back. Like the Universe has been specifically asked to make my life miserable. And I am just wondering how long I am going to last.


Stay positive. Breathe. Have faith. I am trying. Works for a few seconds like the last few drops of water that were left in the pipes before the tap goes completely dry. It works for a few glorious seconds but I am always pushed back down to this point. This dark spot that is filled with nothing but misery, anger and despair.


I am not seeing any need to continue trying because I already have the script memorized  and I know how it ends. Does God have favorites? Are my sins that bad? Saul killed people. David too. Abraham lied and doubted. Or do I have to be a Job to prove my worth? But then I stand no chance. I do not have such strong a will inside me, and you should just get rid of me right now.


Is the work of my mind not valuable enough? Do I have to work with my hands for my efforts to be noticed? Is there a sin that is specifically responsible for my bad luck or am I just impatient. At least tell me how long I have to wait so that I can get sleep today. This one time. Help me put my mind to rest. Tell me where I am going wrong.


I need a break. I need to breathe again. Or I need to die and get away. Whichever one pleases you. Just not this stangation. Not this open mockery of my life. Not this lack of something to live for. Just pull out the plug and let me go to sleep endlessly. Or turn your face towards me and have some mercy. Just a little bit. Something to get me out of this pit. Allow my seed to grow just one leaf. Let me feel the sunshine on my skin.


Maybe I am not worth it. And I understand. I just don’t know what to do. I guess I am going to try. I am not going to fight or ask or hope or think. I am not going to do anything. Let whatever happens happen. If my frustrations make someone somewhere happy then I hope you have a marvelous show.




“I cannot believe in a God, that allows famine and drought, death of our children, hunger and disease. We will not serve a God, who turns a blind eye to our suffering, watching us be trampled by our enemies, without a word from his mouth, … Continue reading GOD